On a more serious note

So I apologize in advance, I don't mean to start out with such a depressing topic, but it's one that's been kind of nagging me for a while.

So basically a month ago, on August 2nd, this guy passed away in a car accident. He doesn't need a name,

or a fancy back story. All you need to know is that he was a VERY close friend of mine, one of my best friends in high school. This kid was my brother from another mother, my best friend, a guy I was in love with, and a teacher to me.  Basically, he was driving early in the morning in the canyon, drifted into oncoming traffic for unknown reason (suspected to be drowsy driving), hit a truck, and died on impact. I'm not writing a soapbox post about drowsy or distracted driving, don't worry. But I do want to share this experience and the good ol' conversation about death.

So, I'm sure you've all had loved ones pass away in your life. It's a natural course of life. But as far as my experiences go, the only people in my life so far who've passed away are much older, usually had some serious illness, and went peacefully. So when I got the news that my best friend had been killed, it was a complete slap in the face for me. Those of you who have experienced younger loved ones dying, I'm sure you can relate, but for those of you who haven't, it's a completely different experience. And it was interesting to see that the way that I grieved, was very similar to what I had learned in my psych classes. At first, I didn't believe it, it couldn't possibly be true. I had talked to him less than a week ago, he had sat right next to me when we had lunch, we had insulted each other and reminisced on our experiences watching Orgasmo together. The experience was so surreal as I experienced Stage One: Denial. Surprisingly enough, this stage hasn't completely ended for me. I still have a hard time believing the reality that he's gone. My friend was young. We had just graduated high school, he was about to leave on an LDS mission, the same day I was going to leave to go to college. We were young and invincible. At this stage, you don't even think that death could possibly be around the corner, it's not something we have to think about until we're OLD, when death isn't a sad. It was like having a bubble popped. We had been living in this perfect little bubble, and instead of it being popped when it was time, it was shot with a shotgun at point blank. For me and my friends, we were simply stunned. Time had stopped for us and we had no idea what to do. What do you do in this type of situation? It's not exactly something you can be prepared for, and if it is, that's seriously messed up. I remember being so angry, at everything, my friend, myself, God, regrets, everything. But the one thing I remember being the most upset about was how the world just kept on spinning. Life went on and I had to too. I was so mad that people just didn't stop and realize that my best friend, somebody's son, an amazing person, was now dead. People didn't stop and acknowledge it, life moved on. As a young adult, I thought this was so unfair and so cruel. 

Now, I grew  up as a Mormon, so I believe in an afterlife and that I'll see my friend again soon. In some ways, I think that has been both a blessing and a curse. Because I believe in an afterlife, I have faith that I'll be able to see my friend again, it gives me something to look forward to. But at the same time, it just makes me feel this..... wanting I guess. I've always been an impatient person and thinking that I may have to wait a lifetime to see my friend again tears me apart. I have many friends who are atheist, and when I look at how they've responded to my friend passing away, compared to me, they are coping so much better. They believe that he's gone for good, and that gives them closure. 

Because of this experience, my life has completely changed. Death scares me. I now realize that I could die at anytime. My friends and family could die at anytime, it's no longer something that just happens when you get old. Coping with this has been really hard. I mean, sure, you can keep telling yourself that death is a natural part of life, yada yada the whole Yoda speech, whatever. But being able to let people go, and being able to accept death, is so hard to do, and I honestly don't really know how to do it in the first place. 

But despite this being one of the worst things that has happened in my life, I have learned something out of it. Life truly is short, way to short. We don't know how much time we have left so we need to live and act like each day's our last. I'm not saying any of that YOLO crap or eat drink and be merry. No. I'm saying that we need to treasure each moment. My friend's last few days were perfect, it was pretty much something you'd read in a John Green book or something. He had absolutely no regrets. He constantly told his girlfriend he loved her, those were their last words. He told his family he'd see them at the finish line. He and I had made amends and were close friends again, not the awkward teens who used to have a thing, but then didn't because one of them found someone else. I was so hurt about that; I was so angry at him, but we made amends, and we were happy. My friend is the epitome of living life the "right way", with no regrets when he reached the finish line. So while death is one of the most terrifying experiences one can go through, there's so much we can learn from it. While I know that I won't be at peace with my friend dying for a while, it's made me value life so much more, and taught me that it's time for me to actually LIVE! (as I sit in my dorm on my computer blogging.... such a life!!)

Hmmmm, I'm sorry, I'm still getting used to writing for people to actually understand the blurb of my brain; like I said, ramblings of a mad woman. That, and it's really hard to get what's in my brain, especially on this topic, out in a coherent form. But thanks for reading!

If you have any similar experiences, advice, honesty about my scrabbled writing style, anything, feel free to comment!